Rap Dad

 If you've been keeping up with my blog, fatherhood is a new and prominent theme in my life now.

One day, recently, I was strolling in the library after having been to the gym. This has become a new hobby of mine as I've been wanting to get out of the house more. A book caught my attention with its title, "Rap Dad." I didn't think much of it, but as I do with any other book that interests me, I started to read the back cover and the front and back inner flaps. I was surprisingly intrigued to read this book as it mentioned themes relevant to my life such as being a contemporary, young father and the difficulties that one faces, the rap/hip hop culture, and the author being from Colombia. Yes, there was some Spanish in the book but it was mainly in English as the author is Colombian American (born in the USA and mostly raised there as well). Interestingly enough, he mentions chess as well!

I read this book fast (in my standards). There are about 220 pages in total. I read it every evening upon going to bed. This was a book that I wanted to read and that kept me staying up a bit later each night, especially reading the first 100 or so pages. The beginning tone was definitely from someone who is influenced by rap culture and made their own rap songs, it's almost as if his narration was a rap as they used a lot of rap jargon that I didn't even recognize. I realized that I grew up listening to more mainstream hip hop and rap, as Vidal listed songs and artists that I've never heard of. Not to mention he is over 10 years older than me.

I think what connected me most to Vidal is his storytelling of being raised by a single mother and having an absent and non-interested father. Obviously it's something that I could relate to. What made me keep reading is seeing how he transitioned from being a rebellious rap skater drug-user boy to being a responsible father to four children. He struggled a lot but with the help of God, as he narrated, he was able to overcome his anxieties, fears, and toughest moments. I was hoping to find advice and wisdom, and I did, but I have my own story to develop and write. 

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One thing about growing up without your father is you often have to figure things out yourself. We really learn from our experiences and our peers. We often unconsciously seek for a father figure for someone to fill in that role. For me, that was my grandfather, my baseball coach, my basketball coach, some older peers, etc. 

Perhaps that's why we often look at athletes, artists, and rappers as models. They work on their craft so much that it is second nature to them and they embody confidence. We follow their careers almost obsessively, we know their career highlights or their best work. We have our favourite moments or songs from them. As I mentioned in a previous post, I looked up to Kobe Bryant, Derek Jeter, and Michael Jordan. I listened to male music artists such as Bruno Mars, Childish Gambino, and J Cole. Nowadays, I don't really "look up" to any of them anymore. I realize that they're all humans with flaws as well. You know what they say... don't meet your hero. I don´t have a hero anymore. I´m not dying to go meet Michael Jordan. I really wanted to meet Kobe Bryant in person but unfortunately that won´t be happening (RIP).

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Whenever I go to the gym, I listen to music. Today (early November), VIMA was using the Spotify, so I decided to listen to some music on SoundCloud. I normally listen to podcasts or songs that pop up in my head, but today, it occurred to me to listen to music that I made in the past and uploaded to SoundCloud. Most of my songs being rap songs, mind you.

I started to listen to my oldest tracks first, working my way through up until my most recent upload. Each track told a story and hit me in a different way. It made me remember where I was physically and in my life, and how each song was produced. I felt really proud of myself and wondered how I made such great songs. It made me come to realize that I seeked approval from my friends and family and I wanted to feel appreciated, in this case, for having composed and performed those songs. Other people don't realize the time and effort that I put in each song - and that's okay, that is not their fault. An artist has to accept the fact that not all their work will be appreciated nor understood. The important part is that they appreciate it themselves, and it took me years to realize this as I listened to my songs after not doing so for a long time. The lyrics resonated to me and reflected how I was feeling even though I had written these songs over 5+ years ago. It made me feel happy - some songs made me laugh. I probably still seek for approval and validation, but for other aspects in my life.

I think being a true man and father is somewhat similar. A lot of the time I want to feel appreciated and I feel like I am not being appreciated. I have to keep in mind that people love and show their appreciation in different ways. I also could have been ignorant to some people's appreciation towards me due to me overthinking or being distracted. I´ve been getting really frustrated recently. I want to be more mindful and appreciative of other people. I want to emit good energy. I think that it all starts with trusting in God and recognizing the signs that he sends us daily. A lot of the time he talks to us through other people. We need to learn to listen to hear his voice. God works in mysterious ways.

Below I will share with you some parts of the book that caught my attention. Again, I thank you for reading this post. I was going to publish my post about CHESS (in Spanish), but I'm realizing that I have a lot to say about this game that I recently fell in love with.

Jay-Z grew up without his father and writes about it in his songs. He had a ¨fear of falling short as a husband and dad. He says that his father didn´t show him ¨how to be a man, how to raise a child, or treat a woman.¨ Relatable.

In this excerpt, one can understand the pressure and the struggle that Juan faced as a father and husband. Everything seemed to be falling apart and his emotions got the best of him. ¨I accepted that the only way to salvage the relationship was to move.¨ Wow. That hits home.

This entire page just speaks to me. Starting with the first paragraph of Juan accepting and embracing his roles as a husband and father as his primary roles. Everything else from before comes second. He then proceeds to describe how he grinded in the new city that they moved to. It was necessary for him to go to work for his family to survive. He describes how he had less distractions, but he eventually went downhill again. The last quarter of the page is what made me reflect about my life. I love to travel but it´s probably not the answer. It´s best to settle down in a place (to live somewhere for a longer period of time) so that I can start to ¨build¨ the family. I also feel that we already have the answers written on our hearts. We just need to be close with God in order to realize these things and put them into action.

In this page, Juan talks about the birth of his son. I can relate to how he describes how he felt in the first half of the page. The ¨death¨ of his old life and the transition to a new stage of his life. The second half of the page accurately depicts other feelings that I felt when my son was birth. I find it interesting how he says that his son´s birth didn´t change him much. Maybe it didn´t change him right away. God doesn´t always answer our prayers right away.

Another loaded page. The quote from Phonte made me reflect on if I really want to travel alone and leave my family behind - if that is the ¨right move.¨ Sure, two weeks isn´t ¨much¨ in the grand scheme of things, but I would still miss a lot. I would be neglecting my duties as a father and choosing myself first. It´s really complicated, but I have to remember that DJ will only be a baby once. I can go to Colombia later, I suppose. ¨Boys need a man to give them a name, to validate them, and their masculinity.¨ And the second-last quote on this page ... ¨On emotional fatherlessness ´Sometimes grown men, out of their own insecurity, look for women to validate their manhood through sex and relationships. And that can be fatal. Truth is, we need another man to tell us that we´re a man when we´re young.´¨ Wow, just wow. This book really spoke to me. God must have wanted me to read it.

This is the most memorable page for me. As I mentioned earlier, I´ve come to realize that I like to feel appreciated. I´m glad to know that I´m not the only one. It´s eye opening to see a potential source of this desire. Perhaps there are other factors (there almost always are), but it felt refreshing to read this, to know that I´m not the only one who feels this way. I wonder if men who grew up with good fathers still have this desire to be/feel appreciated.

It isn´t just black or white. There are always other factors or options. Juan speaks of how when he was a boy he would act on instinct and impulse, and as he grew in age he began to reflect more of what it means to be a man. ¨Every layer of my consciousness became fixated on determining if I was a man or a fraud.¨ THIS, is how I feel right now. I´ve been wanting to define what a real man is and I´ve been denying that I am one (yet). Perhaps I say that out of fear of accepting all my responsabilities and failing at them. But it´s not supposed to be easy. This is also what I´ve wanted for so long. Perhaps sometimes I feel like I ¨rushed¨ it, but everybody has their own time. God´s timing is perfect. That is why we have to trust in him. It looks like Juan too reflected on what it means to be a real man.

Juan speaks of his time spent away from home. Something that I´ve been longing for for so long. I hope one day this will be possible, I´m just not sure when. I was going to live in Spain for a bit but then the pandemic happened. Then I was going to stay in Colombia for a bit but that never happened. I still want to do it sometime but I don´t know if it will be possible for now.

The grind of being a father/parent. Especially when you have more than one child. You just need to adapt and keep going. Also the second half of the page is something that I find true. It´s great to learn different things to be able to converse well and profoundly with other people.

Fathers raising daughters. Questioning the traditional parenting of complementing her physical traits. Does this help girls grow into strong independent women? Juan then goes on to comment on a section of Wild at Heart, a book that I had read a long time ago that I would like to re-read, but this time in Spanish.

Juan speaks of Jay Z´s album 4:44 which speaks of the struggle of men. Then Juan goes onto mention of a former programming director for a radio station who argues against the message of the song. I found it interesting. ¨If it takes for your child to be born for you to see through a woman´s eyes, maybe you haven´t been listening to women.¨ ¨Well-meaning men and fathers, good intentions and all, have been at fault for eons. And we who grew up fatherless have, in our own way, expected praise for our late epiphanies.¨ More quotes that just blow me away and that I relate so much to.

I recommend this book to all (young) men who grew up fatherless, or to people who want to understand someone who grew up fatherless. At least I felt like it accurately described my situation. Bravo, Juan.